it needs to be said.

i've came to the conclusion that my mom and her flying monkeys read my blog for pure entertainment and amusement. i say that because by now- if she REALLY fucking cared about me.. she'd have apologized a loonngg time ago and at least seen what she could do for me to help me feel better after my last bowel surgery. she's reading my blog to see how long she can get away with this shitty ass parenting before i totally snap on her or disown her completely or she may be figuring she can get away with this shit longer because she's my mommy and she can treat me however the fuck she wants! right.. WRONG. i have ptsd now because of this bullshit. YOU traumatized your own damn daughter and you must think of it as a joke because you STILL haven't apologized or even brought it up to me before in my whole life- i'm assuming it's because you think of me as a disposible person that you can pay attention to whenever it benefits you. seriously- how many other people can say they'd be alright with their mom using THEM as a shield to block their dad from kicking them? YOU WOULDN'T EVEN USE ANY OF YOUR FUCKIN DOGS AS A DAMN SHIELD TO BLOCK SOMEONE FROM KICKING YOU. WHY'S THAT? YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM TOO MUCH. don't come to me for ANYTHING again. it shouldn't matter to you seeing as you don't even care enough about me to apologize for something that could've been avoided if you HADN'T DRUG ME INTO THE QUARREL. i wasn't even involved in it. NOT UNTIL MY STUPID ASS MOM HELD ME UP IN FRONT OF HER WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER! yeah seriously- fuck you. it's just not convenient or beneficial for you to apologize to me like it is to pretend you actually care about me, so people won't help me move to somewhere i can be truly safe and constructive while being truly HAPPY because MISERY LOVES COMPANY. i didn't bust my ass off in school (wheelchair and all from 11th grade on) and physical therapy (ARP therapy actually helped the MOST because tram was willing to actually WORK WITH ME OUT OF MY DAMN WHEELCHAIR) so i could bare my own weight and live independently (with like 5 hrs. of pca service a day) JUST SO I COULD LIVE BY A CARELESS, NARCISSISTIC BUM WHO ENJOYS PLAYING VICTIM EVEN WHEN IT MEANS PUTTING HER OWN DAUGHTER'S (I'M PRETTY POSITIVE SHE WOULDN'T EVER PUT MY SISTER IN THIS SITUATION THOUGH) SAFETY AT RISK TO PROTECT HER OWN STUPID ASS. people shouldn't wonder why i do some of the things i do- NOBODY cares about my well-being anyway! THE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH DOESN'T EVEN VALUE MY WELL-BEING! she proved it when she put me in front of her when my dad was kicking her. THE TWO BOWEL SURGERIES I'VE HAD SO FAR PROVE IT ALONG WITH THE MANY DREAMS I'VE HAD FLASHING BACK TO THIS SHITTY ASS PARENTING WHILE HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD, CAUSING ME TO GET KICKED. she couldn't even take the iniative to check on me the second bowel surgery! my grandma probably made her act like she actually cared the first bowel surgery when my bowel was perforrated because of all the damage and trauma to it when BEING KICKED WHEN I WAS ONLY GOOD FOR A SHIELD WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING MY MOM! NO WONDER WHY HE WAS KICKING HER ACTING STUPID LIKE THAT. that's the thing- my mom must piss people off naturally because i admit there have been a lot of times where i've wanted to hit or kick her but i'm able to control my temper. my sister used to hit her and my sister's dad did too. my brother and i are the only people from our little family that haven't hit my mom. she deserves to be hit after putting her own daughter at risk while getting kicked by her dad (BUT DON'T WORRY! I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO FEEL HIS FOOT KICKING MY ABDOMEN!). I'M NOT SORRY FOR SAYING THAT EITHER. AS MUCH AS I DON'T MEAN TO BE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, YOU CAN TAKE THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT. since my mom doesn't feel it necessary to be caring towards me- I DON'T FEEL IT NECESSARY TO BE CARING FOR HER EITHER. i'm all i got and YOU AIN'T MAKING IT BETTER. many people who actually help me with everyday tasks agree that i'm past having to go to courage kenny. AFTER ABOUT 6 FUCKIN YEARS OF THAT BULLSHIT DOING THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER WITHOUT THE THERAPISTS LETTING YOU PROGRESS BECAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU ANYWAY! (the NUMEROUS videos of me on facebook at courage kenny PROVE IT if it's not convenient for you to believe me since you don't REALLY care about me either!).. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT AMANDA AND MOM. if anything- that shit will cause me to do something stupid eventually if i get forced to waste any more of my time doing it. BUT HEY! MAYBE THAT'S WHY AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) ARE SO SUPORTIVE OF ME WASTING MORE OF MY TIME THERE! SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE WHICH COULDN'T BE FURTHER THAN THE TRUTH!

DON'T act like you "care". save yourself the work.

so i just took my cpap with my ics worker to the health supplies store for them to look at why it doesn't work. he said right away when he took the cpap machine out of the plastic bag it was in, "well.. first of all- you should never transfer it with water in it." the ics worker packed the cpap machine with the water from the night before in it. he asked me what the problem was i experienced with it and i said, "it usually doesn't turn on at all and if it does- it says LEAK DETECTED." then he said that he couldn't tell if it was just because i transferred it filled with water, but he'd try to turn it on when it dried and if he could get it working- he'd give me a call or if it wouldn't turn on- he'd give me a call to get a loner because he was sure my insurance would pay for it. it's kinda annoying to see all the views on this particular blog thread- i'm sure most of them are from my mom pretending to be concerned, so she can tell all my grandma's friends and our family members about what's going on with me so it looks like she actually cares. she really has no fuckin idea why it's so important for me to have a cpap to help me sleep. she just assumes that because my grandma used to have one- IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT FOR ME TO HAVE ONE ALSO! tell me mom- WERE YOU THIS CONCERNED ABOUT ME WHEN MY DAD WAS ANGRY AND DRUNK AROUND YOU AND YOU HELD ME UP WHILE HE KICKED YOU TO BLOCK HIS KICKS FROM HITTING YOUR STUPID ASS?! NO? yeah that's what i thought. stfu and mind your business. i'm not just like grandma. i'm not just sweeping this selfish neglect under the rug like she did because SHE WASN'T THE ONE TO FEEL THE KICK TO THE ABDOMEN AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH SURGERY AFTER SURGERY BECAUSE OF THAT SHITTY ASS PARENTING. SHE DOESN'T EXPERIENCE PTSD FROM THAT SHITTY PARENTING. YOU'RE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO APOLOGIZE TO ME. that requires too much work and intelligence! i'm not exactly sure of the reason why you and amy stalk me to the point where i can't take a shit without you two idiots talking about it. i don't lie and say good things about either of you on my blog. even though i'm pretty sure i read that emotionally immature moms stalk their children. i've chosen to stop lying- so if i would be doing that shit, i'd be lying. i didn't chose to have a selfish, immature, and uncaring mom like YOU. stop making me regret it more every fucking day. i never thought you'd be this much of a damn problem. i'm just gonna unplug both of you eventually and YOU'LL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. you guys are too much anxiety for my mental health and i have even stopped talking to one of my best friends for my mental health in the past- YOU TWO ARE NEXT.. BOTH of you. i'm headed to spanish class in about an hour. trying to remember if there's anything more i need to do that i forgot.. hm..

sleep finally?

i may be able to ACTUALLY get some sleep finally.. i feel like i've said that numerous times on here- so that's not saying much. at 1 today, i have an appointment and the ics has to come with me since i actually need to lug my CPAP machine there with me so they can't come up with the excuse "well- if you had the machine here with you- we could see what's wrong with it." so i'll (hopefully) be able to get some sleep finally.

i can only excel to other people's convenience.

i called my job coach and let her know that i have an interview in minneapolis at a hotel on thursday. at first, she seemed supportive but then she said, "where is this job again?" i told her and she said, "okay. i'm gonna check how far away it is. it says it's 25 minutes away.. and every day if you travel back and forth for 25 minutes.. it's gonna cost a lot for lyft.. we'll talk though.." i thought i sent in a new application for metro mobility so i have an alternative transportation choice but that was a while ago.. it irritates me that i gotta work according to the convenience of OTHERS while totally ignoring my own capability. it doesn't matter how much i try to work- just as long as i don't look constructive/valuable as long as i live in this resourceless hole of a state. i'm gonna see if the ics can help me come up with more methods of transportation when they come to have my ics session today in about 30 minutes. that's my life for you though- kept from excelling to my greatest capability for everyone else's convenience so i don't look like a useful citizen. I GOT THIS though! *rolls eyes* right into the fucking grave, incompetent, selfish excuse of an "advocate". i may be truly happy and successful at age 75 but i seriously doubt it. i had a doctor's appointment at gillette where i remember them writing on a piece of paper alternative methods to transportation since i brought up having such a big problem with transportation since they weren't gonna let me drive again. i thought that paper was in my bag but i'm not sure where it went. so i gotta have help finding that. the realization just came to me that i already travel that same amount of time in order to get to sabathani, using lyft. so it shouldn't be THAT much of a difference.. they'll more than likely require me to work more than sabathani does but that's what i want. so i don't have time to think negatively and/or get in trouble, because i'll be distracted with ACTUAL work. the volunteer position i have now is great but after a year- i'd hope to get some kind of promotion and/or more hours.

Asshole Intelligence.

i woke up this morning and i scheduled an in-person job interview next week. i was getting prepared for a phone interview at 10:30 this morning which i'm not sure if i scheduled it with a stupid AI whore-bot because the bitch didn't call me at 10:30.. or even at all this morning. so at least this day hasn't been a total disapointment so far because i did manage to schedule that in-person interview at a hotel in minneapolis. just gotta keep my head up and look at the positive that i actually scheduled another in-person interview.

horses

i hate to tell certain flying monkey neices that they picked the wrong horse to back. regardless if they assume it's right because they assume my grandma would take my mom's side since she babied the fuck outta her. proof that my grandma felt uncomfortable with the fact that she KNOWS what my mom did was wrong by shielding her body from being kicked by my dad is how she just "swept it under the rug".. maybe because she was ASHAMED of my MOM's stupidity and selfishness? *GASP* which is more than likely the reason that you idiots didn't hear about it. THAT GOES FOR JESSIY AND AMANDA. i'll never forgive either of you for trying to make my mom feel like she was a good parent (basically disregarding MY own WELL-BEING). you two assume i'm too stupid to recognize the damage that she's done to me. there's a good chance that i'll be shitting in a colostomy bag because of her selfish ass. she's also never cared about me enough to even consider telling me about the incident dealing with my dad- when he accidentally kicked me. she also knows better than to deny it ever happened to me or even bringing it up to me in the first damn place. i honestly came to knowledge of it after my last bowel surgery- kinda like God was showing me why i was going through what i was going through. she's also more than likely ashamed of herself but i'm not really sure she has the intelligence to identify her own mistakes since she's never found it necessary to apologize or even recognize the shit she put me through. pretty damn sad when the ONLY family member who even checked on me in the hospital was my cousin JOE who videochatted with me. i KNOW the rest of my family was aware i was in the hospital because they said they'd call amanda- then i found out she was up north with her husband by my grandma's sister when i called her to tell her where i was. she didn't even find it necessary to check on me when she got back. I "GOT THIS", RIGHT?! that reminds me of throwing a person in a canoe with waves and expecting them to find their way to the shore WITHOUT a paddle or motor or anything else to propel them and screaming at them from the shore, "YOU GOT THIS!" while expecting them to make it safely to shore all by themselves. so it's not like i wouldn't be able to get support. joe is dependable. the rest of you find it inconvenient to care about me- especially when it's not beneficial for you. it's also proof that i'm adaptable and i can make things work when things are going wrong. if you weren't gonna show me care or support- YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD MY GRANDMA THAT YOU DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TAKING THE RESPONSIBILITY SHE EXPECTED YOU TO TAKE. family doesn't mean shit these days and my grandma was naive to think it does.

reasons to WORK.

i just met with my new job coach. she was nice, i didn't see any problems with her. we were sitting in my living room talking and she asked me if i went to any job fairs. i said, "it feels like i've been to a few job fairs a long time ago." i'm pretty sure i remember going to one when i was living in minneapolis with a job coach and then i think i went to one when i lived in burnsville but it didn't seem like anyone was really interested in hiring me because i lived in burnsville- which is far from the cities where all the jobs are. luckily.. i managed to move to st. paul where i get a lot more employers interested in hiring me and requesting job interviews. everything that appealed to me when i first moved to burnsville seemed to move away or shut down. you're not punishing me with inactivity just so you can be in a location which is close enough to me that people assume you're a "caring" person just because they know they'd support and care for their family member if the shoe were on the other foot. would they hold their daughter in front of them while their dad was drunk and angry to avoid getting kicked, still risking her safety?! it's NOT a question of IF my mom cares (because she clearly doesn't).. it's a question of what she's willing to risk for my own good. she doesn't care about me if it doesn't benefit her or make her look like a "caring" person.. so she OBVIOUSLY doesn't care about what's good for me to make me as happy and successful as possible if it doesn't benefit her in some way. you'd hope that she would grow up and realize all the things i've been through to get where i am and she doesn't care to see me do better or my best for my own well-being. she still hasn't realized that having a child is NOT like having a pet. it involves more responsiblity and care. care that eliminates any amount of being SELFISH. grow the fuck up. pretty damn sad when your own child is more mature and responsible than a parent. cut the disability bullshit excuse also. in case you haven't realized it- I'M DISABLED TOO. i KNOW that you're acting less capable of doing shit the normal person does. if you couldn't read- how the fuck did you know what i wrote on my blog? cut the shit. you've lost pretty much all respect from me and you can't even cling to me in an attempt to stunt my progression. it's became PERSONAL when you attempt to falsely care and think you have any influence on where i end up in the future- just because you and fat amy don't have a damn future.. DOESN'T mean i'm just gonna throw EVERYTHING i've busted my ass to get. if you assholes REALLY cared about me as much as you try to make it seem- you'd be encouraging and supporting me to get as far as i KNOW i'm capable of living REGARDLESS IF IT MAKES YOU GUYS APPEAR AS FUCKING SELFISH AND IGNORANT AS YOU BOTH ARE. stalk me all the fuck you want- it's NOT gonna drag me back or stop me from going where i AM going. just because you guys ruined your future- does NOT mean i'll just throw away everything i worked my ass off to get. concentrate on your own fat ass and work on getting your GED because i can GUARANTEE you that when AI expands- IT'S GONNA TAKE AWAY ALL THE JOBS WHICH DON'T REQUIRE EDUCATION. it's just a matter of time. THEN YOU'LL BE LIVING UNDER THE BRIDGE AND ASKING PEOPLE FOR MONEY WITH SIGNS ON THE STREETS. i'm not just saying this shit to be funny- IT'LL HAPPEN. hopefully all your damn kids get jobs or they'll be out there on the streets with signs too.

this just helps me realize exactly what i WON'T get from this state.

i went to sabathani community center to volunteer today and i remembered that i wanted to look over the apartment accomodations that i THOUGHT the doctor signed a paper requesting them but it was a loss of consciousness form saying i was capable of driving. although.. when i read this loss of consciousness form, i get the idea the doctor is just trying to take advantage of my lack of KNOWLEDGABLE advocacy. she put some bullshit diagnosis of "spastic quadriparesis, abormal gait impairment of balance, Hx TBI, Hx of epilepsy".. i didn't go to school and receive my MD.. but i'm pretty sure that's borderline of a quadriplegic.. which is limited to a wheelchair and i don't think they can use their arms that much. my grandma naively put amanda in charge of advocating for me to make sure she would advocate for me that i DIDN'T get my privileges taken away from me.. MEANING DRIVING PRIVILEGES ALSO. they can say whatever the fuck they want though- "long-term prognosis: impaired processing speed, impaired insight, impaired divided attention, selective attention" THANKS AMANDA! YOU'RE A GREAT ADVOCATE! ANYMORE PRIVILEGES OR RIGHTS YOU WANT ME TO LOSE AT YOUR NEGLECT TO DO WHAT YOU WERE DEPENDED TO DO BY YOUR OWN AUNT?! so i've pretty much decided to be content or satisfied with what i have and/or what i have now.. SO I DON'T LOSE ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE OF MY CARELESS, SELFISH, NEGLECTFUL "ADVOCATES". screw this state. i'm outta here. so all of a sudden "selective attention" is a disability?! a lot of people who supposedly "care" for me are in trouble. i haven't had a damn seizure in over 20 fuckin years. somehow though- i'm fucked for the rest of my life with a history of seizures because NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ME TO ADVOCATE FOR ME IN THIS DUMP OF A STATE. THEY DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT! ESPECIALLY NOT IF I DON'T DRAG MYSELF BACK IN MY PROGRESS OF REHABILITATION AND DON'T ATTEND SOME USELESS EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" TO MAKE EVERYONE ASSUME MY FAMILY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE(because they would if the shoe were on the other foot). EVEN my grandma recognized the LACK of progress i was getting from there.. which is why she went out and found tram holloway to hook his ARP machine up to me.. i regained my sense of balance (or it's A LOT better than it was before he started working with me anyway). MY GRANDMA NAIVELY ASSUMED AMANDA WOULD RECOGNIZE THE LACK OF HELP COURAGE KENNY "HELPED" ME WITH. she figured since she was younger than her, she'd actually have other ideas which would ACTUALLY help me.. problem is.. she neglected to realize that amanda DOESN'T give a fuck about ME or HER! so i'm working on getting OUT of this unopportunistic state so they don't take any of my other privileges away. you're a fucking moron if you don't understand why i'm getting OUT of this unopportunistic dump of a state. "i don't understand why you wanna move to new york. you have everything here!" no.. YOU have everything here. i'm not stupid. just because you say it- DOESN'T mean it's true. close-minded twit.
i read most of the book "my family can kiss my ass" while i was at sabathani. it talked about EVERYTHING i experience with my own mom.. even though, her situation was worse because she experienced getting molested by her own step-dad and having relatives who didn't give a fuck about it. she talked about a lot of things i could relate to. i just realized i read just about the whole book when my shift was over.
it more than likely doesn't really matter that i didn't get that accomodations letter yet, seeing as THIS particular apartment i'm currently in isn't accessible either. i have to walk up and down the stairs to get to my apartment every day. good thing they have a rail on the side of the stairs since i DID learn how to go up and down stairs when i used to attend courage kenny (but other than that.. i can't think of anything they helped me with). i do have a cane which is supposed to help me walk up and down the stairs but i don't understand how people expect me to haul a big cane with me (it's the size of a flat walker) just to get up and down stairs.. so it's stayed behind my couch since i got it i think.

ONE STEP CLOSER!

the clinic called me this morning and told me they have the letter of accomodations signed by the doctor and i could come pick it up. so, the ics worker took me to the clinic just now and i picked it up. i don't really think i need too many accomodations but better safe than sorry. i also am pretty sure that i need a roll-in shower or bars by the bath to help me get in and out of it anyway. so one more step closer.. i just need the ics to help me upload these documents on my account tomorrow. i have to quick eat lunch, then i'm headed to sabathani to help out there. i enjoy volunteering because i get to meet new people and interact with them while helping them. it's better than hauling my ass mindlessly to a rehabilitation institute which takes advantage of your lack of advocacy and vulnerability by underestimating you and purposely refusing to help you progress /challenge your abilities so you actually get better because then they'll get money from "assisting" you to sit on useless machines that don't help- they may have helped me 15 years ago.. BUT I'M PAST THAT SHIT. so volunteering actually gives me EXPERIENCE and i enjoy doing what i do. let me remind you idiots- MY ACCIDENT HAPPENED 24 FUCKING YEARS AGO. I'M NOT A VEGETABLE OR A REHABILITATION TOOL THAT MAKES MY FAMILY APPEAR LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME. I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SPOKE TO AMANDA. BECAUSE I "GOT THIS!" oh yeah? you've obviously never worked with or helped a vulnerable adult- YOU DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT'S NOT PERSONALLY YOUR PROBLEM!.. your day will come. don't get cocky. mine did.

plants

to defend myself against arguments who say my mom raised me- it's my responsibility to do better if i have a problem with the way she raised me. i didn't plan on having a selfish individual raise me. in fact- i'm pretty sure that's why my grandparents stepped in to help her raise my brother and i. they realized she wasn't mature enough to handle the responsibility of being a mother to THREE KIDS- so they let my brother and i live with them for at least probably around 5 years (i'm not sure of the exact time). oh! but the child who DID live with my mom did better than my brother and i! she only got pregnant at 12! *sarcasm* shit.. i'm not even sure i had my first period when i was 12.. i don't think i did. that's my mom's great parenting skills for ya.. she literally let my sister run the streets. i realize it's my responsibility to do better but i'm pretty sure that i DO remember thinking before i boarded the plane to new york how no one cared what happened to me anyway if something bad happened. call me "ungrateful" or wtf you need to try to make yourself look like a good person in front of your in-laws but after going through the shit i went through in life- if you end up anywhere better than i did.. maybe i'll consider thinking you're a good person. ALL people have DIFFERENT circumstances in life. "i know you like to think your shit don't stank.. but lean a little bit closer.. roses really smell like poo oo oo.." i didn't mean to blame only my mom for how i got raised but if you think about it.. parents are the first thing kids become familiar with, so they're influenced by them. i did realize a lot of the shit i grew up hearing was wrong (they were close-minded and ignorant), so i chose to do the opposite. kids are like plants.. watered by people who influence and care about them. my grandparents realized this- that's why they stepped in to assist my mom (who was clearly not capable of responsibly raising THREE lives). trust me.. EVERYTHING i do is pretty much because i know my mom wouldn't do it. it's gotten me this far in life. she's basically a role model of what to avoid doing/becoming. people can try to say that i'm "immature" or whatever they want for blaming my mom but at least i know i can say for sure that she certainly didn't help me become a better person.. IF she did- it was because my grandma blackmailed her into doing it. pretty sad that your own parent has to blackmail you into being a responsible person.

FACTS

not that anyone actually cares- but i'm not sure if people assume i'm stupid and unaware.. which is why they don't apologize for what they've done to me and/or enable the people who have hurt me in the past to get closer to me. NEWSFLASH! I'M NOT AN IDIOT WITHOUT STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES SO PEOPLE CAN JUST GET AWAY WITH HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF THEM WHILE BEING KICKED, SO THEY DON'T GET KICKED BUT I DO HAVE TO ENDURE SURGERY AFTER SURGERY IN ORDER TO STAY ALIVE. they also face absolutely no consequences for this shit. GUESS WHAT IDIOT? i have feelings too. you can't just assume i think this neglect and careless shit are okay just because you're my mom- so that gives you the right to do whatever the hell you want to me. go fuck yourself. same goes for her flying monkeys who try to convince her that she's a good parent or whatever else bullshit you tell her. no wonder why i fucked my life up, almost killing myself in a car accident with parents like i had to put up with. one is dead and the other refuses to apologize and/or even take accountability for the abuse and neglect i've had to endure because of her. if you honestly think my mom doesn't have anything to do with what happened to me and you're just concerned about my mom- get something better to do besides read my blog because you're obviously not reading it because you actually care about me. you're reading it for your entertainment and/or some other stupid reason i can't think of because i'm not as stupid as you are to waste my time reading what someone i don't even like has to say. besides- there's NO way that you could actually care about me if you can't even take accountability and applogize.

cut the shit.

i've wrote about this question before and i still haven't obviously came up with an answer to it. what EXACTLY makes my mom seem to think she has ANY influence on where i end up in life. she obviously doesn't care about me.. how she held me up in front of my dad to block him from kicking her comes to mind. she also was complaining about having to look after me when i was in a wheelchair and my grandma tried to make her stay home with me on the weekend instead of going out to the bar to play pool. i didn't even come to her house every damn weekend- it was just every other weekend. she couldn't even stay home with me for that time. that's why my grandma eventually came into town to my mom's old apartment inside the apartment my grandma owned (she inherited it from my grandpa's death) before it was basically taken away from her because of eminent domain. she obviously didn't care about me then and the ONLY reason why she took care of me after the car accident i was in was because my grandma blackmailed her into doing it. so save the bullshit jessiy. i'm not as stupid as you think. I am a person too! i have a life too.. i didn't bust my ass in rehab. and school, later on college, and a few jobs JUST to remain my mom's crutch. she's never even came to me for anything in the first place (probably because grandma told me she threatened my mom if she ever stole from me when my grandma was dead- she'd regret it.. seeing as my mom has a history of stealing from her own kids when she stole a bunch of money from my brother). if people don't understand why i have absolutely NO desire to stay around my mom- you're a jackass who doesn't have respect for me. that goes for amanda too. MY GRANDMA DIDN'T ASK YOU TO HELP ME TAKE CARE OF MY EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE MOTHER AND ENABLE HER TO HELP ME GET RID OF MY GOALS. seeing as you have zero respect for me and you obviously don't care about me so you're not even trying to help ME get where I want to live in life because this is MY life.. NOT MY DAMN MOM'S. just because you figure your life will be easier if you don't lend me help to be truly successful the way I want because this is MY life. nobody has to deal with the consequences but ME. if you actually cared about me- you'd have my mental health in mind as well since you try to make it seem like you have my physical health in mind by encouraging me to throw more years of my life away at courage kenny. i wouldn't feel truly happy (my mental health) if i would be stuck just living my life to what other people want for me because they think it'll make them appear "caring" and "loving" to other people by attending some renowned ridiculous excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" (courage kenny) which ignores clients who lack advocacy and caring people in their lives who support them to be TRULY happy. if i would get stuck living here- i can promise you that i'd go out of my way to make my family (except for joe and jay)'s lives living hells. i have the capability. i know what makes EVERY one of you tick.. PLUS! I'D HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT SEEING AS I DON'T HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO MUCH ELSE WHEN I'M IN THIS PARTICULAR STATE! (the furthest i've managed to get is volunteering at a community center which is good to start out and get experience.. but i'd like more hours and to actually get compensated for it because i've found other jobs who are actually interested in hiring me where they will actually compensate me but then i keep in mind how my therapist told me they're a non-profit company.. so really no one that works there gets paid- so why should i? i'm sure every other person who works there has way MORE experience than i do working there.. i enjoy helping people and interacting with them though- so this is a great place to do those things) i'm sure my mom would be too afraid to go there.. so that also increased my interest. which is one of the reasons why i've always got a place in the city (because my mom is afraid of cities). unless.. amanda convinced my mom to talk me into staying in this stupid ass state without opportunities for me. amanda obviously doesn't care about me enough to take my goals and feelings into consideration. so she figures if my mom distracts me from moving and/or acts like she wants me to stay in this state since she's my mom and she HAS to love me (since amanda assumes just because her mom loves and cares for her- mine MUST also! what she failed to acknowledge was how my mom held me up in front of my dad while he was kicking her and she showed me absolutely NO concern if it didn't benefit her in the long run.. proof of that shitty parenting is how i've had to have TWO surgeries on my bowel because of my dad's foot causing it damage because of my mom's selfish ass using ME as a shield while he was kicking her.. ANY CARING MOTHER WOULD'VE TRIED TO PROTECT THEIR CHILD AND REMOVE THEM FROM THE SITUATION IF THEIR DAD WAS DRUNK AND VIOLENT). you ain't getting away with this shit by me. NOBODY HAD TO BE CUT OPEN TWICE BECAUSE THEIR MOM WAS SELFISHLY AFRAID AND USED THEIR BODIES TO BLOCK THEIR DAD FROM KICKING THEM. i've had NUMEROUS dreams reminiscing this shitty ass parenting and i remember my grandma saying that the doctors asked her when i was having surgery on my perforrated bowel if i had been in any accidents or anything that caused me damage to my stomach and she said that she didn't tell them about how i accidentally got kicked by my dad. i'm pretty sure that was the cause of my grandpa chasing my dad to mexico- if i remember right. my mom plays victim well.. or at least she thinks she does- so i'm sure she got my grandpa pissed off at my dad. so along with having to live life without a father.. she caused me to have TWO surgeries (so far).. she just feels like she can only play a "caring mom" whenever it's convenient for her. OH! I FORGOT THE PTSD SHE GAVE ME! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT. SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY INFLUENCE ON WHERE I END UP IN LIFE. if any of you people are still taking her side and assuming i should just give up my goals and EVERYTHING i've busted my ass in life to get- YOU'RE ALSO PART OF THE REASON WHY I'M MOVING. my grandma had confidence in me to live in new york.. even after having a tbi.. she KNEW i was capable of it- so i'd have a TRULY HAPPY life. (the only reason why i changed from new york to boston is because they have a clean city with more housing opportunities) amanda doesn't give a damn about me- she just assumes i'm an idiot that'll go along with whatever she says because she assumes i'm stupid like my mom since my mom used to get help from my grandma when she was alive. GUESS WHAT? WE HAVE DIFFERENT BRAIN INJURIES. she has a nuchal chord injury and she should be an actress because she CAN read (she's asked me about stuff i've only mentioned on my blog), i have a traumatic brain injury because i got it from an accident i was in. i asked google if nuchal chord injuries are more severe than traumatic brain injuries and this is what they said: "It is not accurate to say that a traumatic brain injury (TBI) is inherently more severe than a nuchal cord injury, as the severity of both conditions depends entirely on the degree of the initial insult." i KNOW she CAN read everything i say. being lazy is not a symptom of a traumatic brain injury. regardless if your mother tried to coddle you because she felt guilty about the nuchal chord- assuming it was her fault. i wish i had a mom who cared about me that much.. she (MY GRANDMA) respected my goals and acknowledged the hard work i went through to get where i am. she was just naive and overconfident because she put her confidence in someone who didn't care about her or the person she was supposedly promising to help. just because it's NOT your goals and you're not interested in what i am- does NOT mean that it should just be ignored because i'm stupid because i have a brain injury- so i'll eventually do whatever my kewliez ignorant, entitled cousin does and actually supports so she can look good to her in-laws! i've gave courage kenny a chance a few times since my grandma died and *GASP* ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT WHEN I WAS WASTING MY TIME AT COURAGE KENNY! you can't even answer the damn phone when the emergency room calls you.. I COULD BE DEAD. it's not convenient for you to care about me. in fact- the ONLY family member who checked on me in the emergency room was JOE (who actually video chatted with me since he couldn't make it to personally come see me). MY MOM (THE CAUSE OF THIS SURGERY) couldn't even come see me- IN FACT- SHE DIDN'T EVEN CALL ME OR ASK HOW I WAS. i've found a way to manage to get this far and i have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO STOP FOR PEOPLE THAT REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. screw you mom and amy (my sister). you assholes don't really give a shit about me. you just want me to stay here to make you look like you ACTUALLY give a damn about me and so it's easier for you to copy me even though i'll never live in the same place as you in my whole life again. i'll slit my wrists before i live by either of you again. you're both a bunch of careless assholes.

YOU'RE NEXT!

i called the housing company i'm dealing with in massachusetts and left them a message asking them if they received the notarized CORI form and to return my call. after the ics worker left- they called me back and told me they received my CORI form and other paperwork i emailed to them and they would review it later. so hopefully this helps me get outta this state. i get the feeling that my family (except joe) assumes that if they don't support/help me get what i want done so i can get where i TRULY desire to live- that i'll just give up and settle with this resource-less uncontructive state because i'm not smart enough to do anything else. first of all- it pisses me off that they assume i'm stupid. they couldn't tie my shoes. they'd give up after HALF the shit i've been through. it just proves their total LACK of care for me by assuming that shit and underestimating me. they may try to use the defense- OH WE'RE JUST TRYING TO PROTECT YOU FROM BEING POOR AND A TOTAL FAILURE! i've gotten myself THIS far.. i've almost died, been in a damn coma for six months (the doctors DID advise my grandma and mom to pull the plug on the life support because if i ever came outta the coma- i'd be a vegetable), i've sat in a fucking wheelchair (sore ass and ALL) so my family could get sympathy for having a "quadriplegic" granddaughter (my grandma was trying to get as much attention as possible because if i were REALLY "quadriplegic".. i wouldn't be able to use my arms or hands either) for at least 15-close to 20 years.. now that i think about it- i DID own a wheelchair for at least 20 years of my life, i've lived INDEPENDENTLY to get away from this unopportunistic family. the more you assholes refuse to take the iniative to help me get where I want- the MORE it motivates me to find a way to get outta this shit. *GASP* I'M NOT JUST SETTLING FOR "GOOD ENOUGH" LIKE YOU ASSHOLES ASSUME. THIS IS MY LIFE- I DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE SHIT I'VE BEEN THROUGH JUST TO DEPEND ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND HAUL MY ASS MINDLESSLY IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR TO SOME SORRY EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION FACILITY" THAT DEPENDS ON TAKING ADVANTAGE OF VULNERABLE CLIENTS WHO LACK ADVOCACY.. SO PEOPLE CAN ASSUME MY FAMILY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME (BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY'D BE IF THE SHOE WERE ON THE OTHER FOOT). let me remind you people- I'VE HAD TO BE CUT OPEN TWICE SO FAR ON ACCOUNT OF MY MOM HOLDING ME UP IN FRONT OF MY DAD WHILE HE WAS KICKING HER, SO HE WOULDN'T KICK HER. oh but DON'T WORRY! MY NARCISSISTIC BUM MOM DIDN'T GET HURT OR FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL!! I WAS THE ONE TO TAKE THE FOOT TO THE ABDOMEN, LATER ON CAUSING TWO OF MY BOWEL SURGERIES SO FAR! i'm on the path to shitting in a colostomy bag because of my selfish ass parents! my dad is dead.. so he's met his consequences. that leaves a certain selfish-careless excuse of a mother! it explains why she's never accomplished anything in her life- besides having children and she can't even protect the first one, so now they've had to have surgery after surgery because of HER! i don't mean to take a page outta cathy's book but if ANYONE needs church.. IT'S MY MOM. the spawn of satan. kinda explains why i do what i do. there's a reason for EVERYTHING i do- i don't just do shit for fun or because it looks kewliez! people need to realize EVERYONE has DIFFERENT paths and goals. if we'd have the same paths and goals- WE'D BE BORING AS HELL. remove your head from your entitled ass and realize this. NOT EVERYONE HAS IT AS EASY AS YOU DO. show support or completely remove yourself from my life because i don't need people attempting to pull me back in my progress in life FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE and/or to make them look like "good people". if you need a disabled relative to make you look like a "good person"- you seriously need to check yourself. go watch barney or something. and get out and get your damn GED instead of stalking your big sister to look for similarities in our lives- the ONLY similarity is that we both have the spawn of satan as a mother. nothing more, nothing less. we don't even share the same father- which is why jay and i look more alike compared to me and you or even you and jay.

FINALLY! the cori form is notarized.

the ics worker just brought me to get the cori form notarized at USbank. they didn't have any questions about notarizing it. the guy who was notarizing it asked me, "these are massachusetts housing forms.. you don't wanna get away from the snow?" then i said, "no.. heh. i like having FOUR SEASONS and actually being able to tell the difference in weather.." then he said, "oh.. yeah. it would get kinda boring if you were in a place where it was only hot." i have arthritis and the cold weather doesn't get to me enough to change my mind- you might call me "crazy". my opinion could change.. but i kinda doubt it. i reminisced with the ics worker and the guy notarizing my cori form, "i remember being in a wheelchair.. i'd ALWAYS get stuck on the streets in snow drifts when it snowed. i'd always depend on strangers to pull over and push me outta the snow drifts. i have no intentions to go back to a wheelchair." not even for family members who SUPPOSEDLY "support" me enough to have the desire to make me into a rehabilitation tool, since they figure they'll get attention for having a paraplegic family member- so people assume they actually care about them to support them in EVERYTHING.. which is so far from the truth that amanda couldn't even answer the phone any of the times the emergency room called her (one of the times being when i fell outta my wheelchair on the stupid parking lot at the shithole in burnsville and smashed my head on the icy sidewalk- so i required stitches by my eye). oh look! ANOTHER reason why i have absolutely no desire to return to a damn wheelchair. it's a good thing that the ics worker brought me to the bank to get my cori form notarized because fredrick isn't even here yet and i think the bank closes soon.

is it *FINALLY* going to happen or not?

well.. fredrick told me that he'd take me to get it notarized tomorrow. i'm not sure he'll be on time to get me to the post office before they close though. just have to hope he will be because i'm sure the ics worker who had planned on taking me, expects me to kiss her ass to take me (well that's the impression i got anyway after she said she wasn't gonna take me if i kept talking to her like i was- like she doesn't UNDERSTAND my frustration and/or i'm not allowed to be frustrated after all the damn delays to get it notarized and it's STILL NOT notarized). i thought these ics workers were SUPPOSED to be mental health professionals too (that's the impression i got when zen always introduced himself as my "mental health worker" when he'd talk to other people for me). apparently she didn't get that memo on the job description.

people can't handle me progressing and living *MY* own life.

well.. i was trying to buy this stuff i seen on the internet which elon musk said it removes risk of dementia, alzheimers, and other diseases dealing with lowered cognitive functioning. it's not working for me to purchase it, i'm pretty sure it's because when i called the number on the back of my card, it said i only had $2 left in my account. I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T SPEND MY DAMN LIMIT. so anuses are profiting off me.. YOU GOT THIS! my family must be satisfied with going to hell because that's exactly where ALL of those pricks who stole from me are going. i just tried to help myself- seeing as nobody gives a fuck about me or my supposed cognitive decline (proven from the cognitive tests i had to take to get my license again) and i CAN'T EVEN FUCKIN DO THAT.
the ics worker who was supposed to bring me to get my CORI form notarized, said that she couldn't take me today because the lack of staff and she might be able to take me tomorrow. i said, "well, i was wondering if we could make an appointment to get it notarized.. seeing as something ALWAYS seems to come up." then she said, "what do you mean?" (i'm not sure if she was intentionally trying to piss me off) and i said, "this is important and it seems like YOU ALWAYS SAY OH TOMORROW.. OH TOMORROW.. OH NEXT WEEK." then she said, "well if you're gonna speak to me like that- then i won't help you with it." so i'm not sure who the fuck is gonna take me to get it notarized now. the nurse who fills my anodyne machine was here when she called me and overheard our conversation and asked, "what was that all about?" then i said, "well.. that was the ics and they ALWAYS tell me they'll help me get this CORI form notarized.. THEN THEY ALWAYS COME UP WITH AN EXCUSE NOT TO." then the nurse asked, "what about fredrick?" i highly doubt fredrick will take me to get it notarized, he'll think of an excuse not to just like all the other people who are being PAID to assist me.

interview of the inexperienced vs. familiar

i just got back from my interview. it actually went better than i suspected.. although, i still don't know if i got the job. i thought it'd be a bust right away and to make things worse- another girl sitting next to me interviewing as well was already currently working at hollister- so she was more familiar with what goes on in stores. she was asking questions that only clothing store workers would know. i told her that i liked meeting new people and helping people, which explains why i'm volunteering at sabathani right now. i think that if she had to choose between me and the other girl interviewing with me today- she'd probably go with the safe bet and hire the other girl since she's experienced already but she might be looking to hire more than one person- so i may still have a chance but i'm not counting on it. i tried.. that's all you can do. sabathani must be pretty well known because as soon as i told the woman that i was currently volunteering at sabathani, the girl interviewing with me nodded her head like she knew where i was talking about and the lady interviewing us said, "OH." like she was familiar with the place. i know coming from a more rural area- i had only first heard about sabathani after i volunteered for central honors philando- when i'm pretty sure philando's mom valerie had something to do with referring me to scott, the ceo of sabathani.. i'm not positive though. philando is basically my guardian angel.. if it weren't for him- i probably would've done something stupid out of boredness again, so there wouldn't be a stacy anymore. i'm serious too for you entitled, ignorant family members who read my blog to laugh at the struggle i go through to get what i got for entertainment and amusement- without offering valuable help that won't keep me in the same fucking place so i can't entertain or amuse you, like a handicap tool so you can look like you actually care about me to your super kewliez in-laws and the rest of our family when you just care about me when it's convenient and/or beneficial to you. you'll have to go through the same shit i do. karma is a bitch. keep it up, dicks.
the ics worker called me about 20 minutes ago and said that she'd have to take me to the bank tomorrow since the program i'm in is so short staff. figures. something always has to go wrong for me. i just hope she can actually make the appointment tomorrow like she said she was going to.

another bust?

i have to leave for the interview at the store i have an interview with at the mall of america in about an hour. for some reason- it feels like i've already interviewed with this store (but i find myself thinking the SAME thing when interviewing at hotels), especially since they mentioned that i fill out a questionaire before i have the interview.. it feels like they said this before when i interviewed there before and i didn't check my email before i had the interview- so i had to fill the questionaire out there quick before the interview. i filled the questionaire out on my couch last night before the interview this time though. i think i remember the last time i interviewed with them, they decided not to hire me because i didn't have retail experience. this time- i remember to bring up the fact that i've worked CUSTOMER SERVICE jobs in the past. i'm even thinking about writing a reminder on the notebook i always bring to all my interviews. i probably will, in case i get nervous for some reason or forget for some other reason. i don't understand why an employer would even consider interviewing someone if they know they lack a specific skill it takes to work the job. kinda like the salvation army when i interviewed with them last.. i'm pretty sure they asked me right away if i had any retail experience and when i said i didn't really have any retail experience, they told me the job probably wasn't right for me- since all they seen on my resume was tech. jobs. so that may have opened my eyes to spreading my work experience out for my resume- so more employers would actually consider hiring me.
my eyes have been twitching lately.. i asked the supervisor of this ics program if she had any ideas why. she said i might need more potassium. i eat a banana every day with my breakfast but i remember the hospital making me drink tons of this nasty ass chalky shit the last time i was in the hospital for surgery, saying my potassium levels were low. then she said, "or it might be that you aren't getting enough sleep.." heh, that also makes sense too because i must wake up at least 3 times at night while i'm sleeping- WHEN i actually manage to get to sleep- which usually takes at least two hours of laying in bed with my eyes closed. so lack of sleep would also explain why my eyes twitch so much lately. time to go prepare for my next interview.. which could be a complete bust again. then i'm coming back after the interview and the ics worker said she'd bring me to get the CORI form notarized at the post office (i think that's where she said- or the library? UPDATE: turns out she's bringing me to the BANK this afternoon after my interview to get it notarized). HOPEFULLY i ACTUALLY get this notarized because i'd like to get on with my life. this direction seems to be the only possibility at making a life I can ACTUALLY be proud of (NOT which is just convenient and/or beneficial to some people who didn't help me when it was REALLY important all the time because it wasn't CONVENIENT for them and they weren't FORCED to help/care for me by my grandma through BLACKMAIL i even witnessed while hearing her on the phone with my grandma).

i'm going to get this form notarized.

i called the ics worker this evening and asked them if someone was gonna take me to get my cori form notarized and she told me that she'd take me to the post office tomorrow at 11:30 i think to get it notarized. so i got that covered hopefully.

NADA.. ZILCH.. NOTHING *HERE* FOR MOI IN THIS PARTICULAR STATE!

i think back to the time when amanda said to me on the phone, in a careless tone of voice, "YOU HAVE EVERYTHING HERE IN MINNESOTA! WHY DO YOU WANNA MOVE TO NEW YORK?!" i'm pretty sure that was when i STILL had my driving privileges to drive with a permit in minnesota. i've now gave up my driving privileges because no one cares enough about me to assist me in getting my driving privileges back. so now it's TRUE.. i have NOTHING here in minnesota. OH WELL! RIGHT AMANDA?! I GOT THIS! i got this right into another fucking state which actually has the RESOURCES for people who actually wanna do MORE with their lives besides depend on social security and haul their asses to some overrated excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" who gaslight people into believing they still need therapy- so they can get money from them. if you go there and ask them if i was ever a client there- i guarantee you they'll tell you that i never went there. SO WHERE DID THOSE FACEBOOK VIDEOS/CELL PHONE CLIPS AT COURAGE KENNY COME FROM IF I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE?! MUST'VE BEEN AI! IF THAT'S THE STORY- I SHOULD BE LOOKING INTO WORKING TECHNOLOGY JOBS INSTEAD OF MINDLESSLY GETTING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY SOME SAD EXCUSE OF A REHABILITATION FACILITY WHO RELIES ON PUTTING CLIENTS ON MACHINES MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD DO. IN CASE YOU'RE SICK OF HEARING THIS FROM ME- IT TELLS YOU EXACTLY HOW MUCH NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. I KNOW THAT AFTER I KILL MYSELF (IF IT COMES TO THAT)- MY FAMILY WILL JUST CRY VICTIM AND SAY "SHE COULD'VE CAME TO ME.".. WHICH JUST MOTIVATES ME NOT TO DO IT, SO MY FAMILY DOESN'T RECEIVE UNNECESSARY ATTENTION. i'll just continue to TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ALL OF THEM- SO PEOPLE SEE HOW HORRIBLE OF PEOPLE THEY REALLY ARE. call me "ungrateful" or wtf you want cathy but after YOUR MOM holds YOU in front of your dad while he's kicking her- MAYBE YOUR OPINION WILL ACTUALLY MATTER TO ME. SAME WITH MY SAD EXCUSE OF A "MOM".. ONCE YOU'VE ACTUALLY WORKED TO GET OUTTA YOUR SITUATION IN LIFE- WHAT YOU SAY WILL ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTER TO ME. ANYONE ELSE WANNA PLAY?! i'm kinda irritated after getting told i'd get a job- then them reversing it because after the supervisor asked me if i've ever worked for Iron Mountain before and i told him that i trained with them a long time ago, he cancelled my walk-through of the mailroom clerk job. i'm not really sure of the reason for him cancelling the job for me after i told him i heard of iron mountain and had trained with them before.. i thought that he might be more interested in hiring me because i was familiar with the job.. now i gotta figure out if that particular walk-through is the same job i wrote on my calendar tomorrow.. it probably is- knowing my luck. we'll see. i just looked and was just reminded of the job in the store at the mall of america i'm interviewing at tomorrow. i just gotta remember if they bring up the fact i don't have any retail experience on my resume that i DO have customer service job experience. i'm pretty sure that's one of the only factors that ultimately matters when you're selling things. so the customer wants to return to the store since they have good customer service there.